Sexual Incompatibility One of The Leading Causes for Breakups
It Is Also The Least Talked About Reason for Breakups
Cristal M Clark
Recently, as most of you know I have started dating again, and whilst yes, my coworkers have that saying about me, I am never really dating, these poor blokes are just one text message away from pissing me off, I am starting to learn that sexual incompatibility is one of the leading causes for breakups which includes divorce.
I am also learning that it is the least talked about reason for a breakup. In America we have this sort of twisted and not healthy view of sex that is still tied in a rather unhealthy way to religion. In turn that has caused our nation to view sex, much differently than most other nations.
At any rate, I have a number of both male and female friends who talk a lot about sexual incompatibility in their marriage or relationship, and I started asking potential dates about it, as well as just researching and let me tell you it is quite fascinating to learn just how common this really is.
Now some psychologists will tell you that this is normal, and it might be however, it is something more and more men and women are unwilling to tolerate in a relationship. Which is actually healthy, to me tolerating things that do not make you happy are not healthy, yes compromise is, but to tolerate something that does not bring you joy is quite unhealthy. So what you suffer for the rest of your fucking life not being completely happy? Fuck that! The point is and it is proven, that being unhappy at any level is not healthy for your mind, body or soul. And if it is sexual incompatibility causing that, move on with yourself so that you can be fully happy.
Admittedly this is more so for men than it is for women but the sexual incompatibly factor is huge for both sexes. One of the most heard complaints was lack of sex, then you move more into adding excitement into the bedroom, submission and domination, partners who want to share with others outside of the relationship then, you move to partners who lack sexual experience, women reported that one the most and trust me it is not fun when you are with a man who has no bloody idea how to pleasure a woman. Lastly we get to lack of an emotional connection, and that is huge for women more than it is for men.
Lack of sex was the number one complaint I got from men which is understandable as it does happen and I do have quite a few female friends who simply just are not into sex. That is frustrating to men. I have a very good friend who moved away but we still talk all of the time and he continues to run into the lack of sex issue. From what he tells me, women will tell you early on that they really want sex as much as you then you get into and learn that is not the case.
Now I will say this is not true for all women, some of us are highly sexual creatures although we are rare. Men who experience this tend to either want to end the relationship or they simply stay in it and step out. And shockingly I learnt that more than half actually tried to express to their partner that both they needed and wanted more sex.
For men that is the connection, for women it is emotional yes, but wanting and needing that connection is important and when it’s missing men feel hurt and rejected by it.
To hear how many men that I spoke with actually did try to express that with a partner was the opposite of what many people assume. In speaking with them, I could the hear the pain and it surprised me.
I also heard a lot about adding excitement, kink, and submission and domination type of sexual activity, while most men and women agreed that inflicting harsh physical pain to a partner was not something that they wanted, a shocking number did express a desire to live a lifestyle which many people simply do not understand, domination and submission.
This is where people tend to become confused, adding kink is one thing, a little handcuffing, blindfolds etc, domination and submission is quite another.
The feedback that I received from both sexes is that the partners they attempted to try domination and submission with, were completely uneducated on how it actually works.
So not to get into it too deeply, the submissive always has the control in these situations, which I know a lot of people do not understand at all.
You think dominate partners are the controllers, but no they are the workers, they must prove to a submissive that they are worthy to be the dominate partner, they must know the submissive completely including every limit that individual has, and they must earn the complete trust of the submissive.
Submissives tend to fall in love with dominate partners because of the work the dominate does to keep the submissive feeling safe and how the they treat the submissive after any sexual session and the training. That is an entire relationship and the dominate partner is the one who is always working to keep it in tact.
Now the feedback I had from both sexes and from both dominates and submissive partners was that no matter which side you are on, they had more often than not been in a relationship with someone who was not experienced or versed in this type of relationship, it is not just sex for either party so more often than not, someone was left either physically or emotionally damaged and in some cases both. So I would not suggest couples run out and try this, learn it before you do anything like it especially because this is where sometimes sharing comes into play. These two go hand in hand and it illustrates how a lack of education on the subject can become scary and quite hurtful for people.
The sharing of a partner was another desire for both men and women I heard, watching their partner have sex with someone else, surprisingly on this one, more men than women were not a fan of this. The reason being was insecurity, feeling like if a partner liked the sex better they would leave.
This is another area where complete trust in one another is a must. I interviewed about 10 couples who divorced over sharing. That isn’t good and it tells me that these couples did not lay out the proper ground rules prior to engaging in this type of activity. Nor did they understand why a partner might have wanted this.
More women than men however felt pressured into allowing this and that is where not truly knowing your partner and not truly trusting them can destroy a relationship. I found that couples will try things and regret it, blame the partner and that causes deep resentment that does not just go away.
Lack of sexual experience was huge for the women I spoke with. Many reported having tried to date someone who lacked sexual experience or who were the type to get off and roll off and go to sleep.
I can tell you firsthand it is not fun dating someone who is like this at all. They don’t ask, they don’t care, they get off and well if you don’t that is on you and your vibrator. I cannot believe that it is 2022 and we still have men roaming around that have no bloody idea how to get a woman off. It is simply astonishing to me, really.
Many women these days will just dump a man who doesn’t do it for them sexually because why be in a sexually unsatisfying relationship? Which by the way is what the men who suffer through sexless relationships need to learn from. Just end it rather than have affaires.
Sexual incompatibly is a very big problem, I see more and more articles about it and often wondered what the hell, now. I know it is a lot of things that could be easily resolved if more individuals actually took the time to communicate a desire for early on.
Now in some cases these things come up later, after years in a relationship and you have partners that are willing to try and who are willing to understand and you have so many more that are unwilling to do either of those things.
For men sex is more visual and just getting off, for women it is emotional, in either case if you cannot connect with your partner on whatever level, you should leave the relationship, over all out of everyone I spoke with, staying in it hurt the other partner in the end.
At my age, I am totally screwed not literally, I get the men who lack knowledge or who are coming out of a relationship that failed over some sexual incompatibility so they have no bloody idea what the hell they are doing. I might as well go back to dating younger men, they are far easier to train and deal with in the case of sex.
This is the last tidbit I will leave for you, more than half of the women I interviewed were willing to date much younger men for a better sexual experience, if they lacked any knowledge on a sexual subject or activity the two spoke about and wanted to try, the younger men were willing to learn it, whereas older men were not capable of understanding their own lack of knowledge about any sexual subject. Men closer to my age, our generation for them the sex is all about their needs, their wants, they need to feel in control, where younger men are actually coming around.
So it would seem that these younger men ladies and gentlemen, are aiming to please.
Cristal M Clark